A Few Words About Adult Children of an Alcoholic (ACOA) from Louise McDermott
Children who were brought
up in homes in which parents or relatives abused alcohol or drugs frequently possess similar dysfunctional traits in adulthood.
For example, they often fear or resent authority figures or have trouble finding and maintaining intimate relationships. Fearing
abandonment, they become people pleasers and hold onto insecure relationships because it feels similar to their
upbringing with dysfunctional or emotionally unavailable parents. Sometimes they become alcoholics themselves, marry an alcoholic,
or have an overdeveloped sense of caretaking and responsibility, consistently placing their focus and energies on others rather
than themselves. In fact, ACOA’s often become perfectionists.
Some ACOA’s may not drink at all, however they unknowingly attract drama and dysfunction to divert attention away from their own internal pain and suffering. In adulthood, patterns of behavior emerge that set them up in the role of the “rescuer” or enabler to others with addictive personalities. ACOA’s frequently have difficulty identifying appropriate relational boundaries. Without boundaries, ACOA’s risk repeatedly getting into unhealthy relationships in their personal and professional lives. Those who have experienced repeated disappointment and trauma can risk becoming depressed or “numb” to their own emotional experience, and might choose to avoid relationships all together.
Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. The societal idea of a “town drunk” or urban panhandler may fit a few people’s idea of an alcoholic, yet alcoholism affects people of all professions, cultures and backgrounds. Alcholics can be successful in business and well-respected in their communities. However, the common thread is that alcoholics are in emotional pain, and they drink to temporarily escape the pain. And, just as alcoholics must admit they have a problem in order to seek recovery, adult children of alcoholics first must also recognize that they carry traits of the disease and need to find healing and recovery for themselves.
If you believe or know you are the child of alcoholic parents, I can understand what you’ve been through. If you are unsure if you are an ACOA, read the “Laundry List” of common ACOA traits published by Tony A. in 1978.
Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
According to Tony A’s list, many adult children of alcoholics can:
- Become isolated
- Fear people and authority figures
- Become approval seekers
- Be frightened of angry people
- Be terrified of personal criticism
- Become alcoholics, marry them or both
- Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility
- Be concerned more with others than themselves
- Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves
- Become addicted to excitement
- Confuse love and pity
- “Love” people who need rescuing
- Stuff their feelings
- Have low self-esteem
- Judge themselves harshly
- Become terrified of abandonment
- Do anything to hold on to a relationship
- Become “para-alcoholics” without drinking
- Become reactors instead of actors
These are just some general characteristics and do not apply to all ACOA’s. If any of these traits resonate with you, you can read Adult Children of Alcoholics, a book by Dr. Janet G. Woititz (1983), which provides a comprehensive exploration of growing up in an alcoholic home
At Mariposa Psychotherapy Services, we understand the feelings of helplessness and frustration due to living with an alcoholic. Sometimes, the best way to help the alcoholic in your life is by gaining self-compassion while building new skill sets to help yourself. If you need help, reach out to Louise at 512-795-0402.